Men's counselling

Why don’t men like counselling?

I’ve had countless women come to me for help asking me to please talk to their husbands about the duties their husbands ought to perform. I, in most cases, never conceded to that. I never have a discussion with a man about his wife, unless he comes to me himself and asks me for advice. Men don’t like counselling! Sure, there are exceptions, but more often than not they either refuse to participate or are reluctant participants. It’s usually someone else, like the wife, that tries to enlist him. Have you ever wondered why that is?

Just another person who is going to tell me I’m wrong

A lot of the time men are told by society, their wives, their aunts, their mothers and their bosses that they are wrong. Men are never considerate enough to consider the feelings of all the women players in their lives. If a man’s wife isn’t offended, it’s his sister. If it’s not his sister, it’s his aunts, if it’s not his aunts it’s his mother and so on. Men are never civilized enough to ever be right about anything. Going for counselling is just another opportunity for a smarter, more well groomed, wealthier man to tell him how he should be better and how he has always been wrong all along. Men don’t like counselling because a third party- he thinks- will never be sympathetic to his position. In a problem between a man and a woman, society (men and women), usually sympathize with the woman- the weaker sex (the victim). 

Women are usually better at manipulation

In a situation where there is another man who must mediate between a disputing couple, women are able to get more sympathy because men are naturally more sympathetic to women. Women are also naturally more manipulative- and that’s not a bad thing. Men have always had the upper hand in strength, and women could not win against men in a fair fight. Hence, through centuries of training, they’ve had to manipulate men to get what they want- otherwise it would be a losing battle. Men instinctively know that when it comes to negotiating matters through any mediation process, the realistic outcome is that the woman will get what she wants. Which is why men often find counselling to be a waste of time. It’s seen as an opportunity for the wife to get her way, and it’s easier just to give her her way then to be dragged out for counselling every week. 

Men are proud

There’s the case where a man is called out to meet with another man in order to negotiate the matters of his marriage. This often doesn’t sit well with the husband. He is literally being asked to mediate with another man for the ‘right’ to be able to speak to the woman he is married to because she has led them to believe that she is ‘afraid’ to speak to him. In many cases, you’ll find men just leaving the woman. It is like a man going to his girl friend to ask her to speak to his wife because he can’t get through to her. The first question the wife should ask is, “Why is this any of your business?” Men often feel like this scenario is a violation of trust to begin with and are not likely to cooperate!

So what should you do?

If you want a man to receive counselling you convince him to do so. You don’t have him called out to come by a third party, in the event that you’re the wife. Of course, if he is genuinely abusive, the situation would call for more drastic measures. In most cases though, it’s just a matter of unresolved disputes and differences that are mendable. If you really want to fix things, and not just score points, you should convince the man to go to counselling yourself. While in a counselling session, try not to turn the counsellor into a referee, by making accusations and expecting him or her to take sides. Instead, both parties should look at how they can improve themselves and go with the idea that they are trying to resolve issues by changing themselves and not their partners. We literally can’t change our partners because we don’t actually have autonomy over anyone except ourselves. If we take that approach, both men and women, a lot of disputes would be peacefully resolved. 

Further Reading:

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/1125/why-most-men-dont-open-up-in-couples-therapy

https://www.menshealth.com/health/a27496158/excuses-guys-make-not-going-to-therapy/

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