Countless men claim that they are totally baffled by women. They aren’t sure what to do because every time they do what she says she wants, it more often than not, doesn’t get a positive reaction out of her. What do women typically want in a man? Surveying some articles on this topic is rather tedious. There appears to be no consensus. Honestly, I am not sure women typically know the answer to that question either. Each time I’ve discussed this topic with women I’ve left more confused. So let’s make an attempt based on how women typically behave and not what women typically say- naturally exceptions abound. It’s hard to in a nutshell conclude anything regarding women because the best thing to say is that, well, it’s complicated and I think that about sums it up!
Above anything else, it appears that women want to feel wanted, needed and useful. This is usually true instinctively but not always rationally. Sometimes women don’t want to feel needed because then the guy is being too needy- normally true about career orientated women. Other times, they want to feel needed so as not to feel disposable. As a man you need to find a healthy balance between these two temperaments. Spend enough time with yourself for her to feel like “you don’t really need her,” which you probably don’t, but enough time with her so that she doesn’t feel disposable- which she probably isn’t. She should know that she is wanted and appreciated in your life, but not actually needed- even if you feel like she is. Modern women don’t want to feel like they have a responsibility towards anyone, and feeling needed makes some women feel smothered. She doesn’t want to have to consider how you might feel about anything when she goes about her life. Unless of course, you are with a more traditional woman, in which case you should not have to think about anything I’m writing here at all. She won’t be conflicted between her sentiments and her ambitions- having a family with you was her ambition.
Women want to know that you respect them. Whether you are in a relationship or not, that should be a general rule. However, when you are in a relationship you should make sure that you respect her independent will. Sometimes men find it hard to accept that their wives have ambitions outside of their married life. What men should remember is that that woman had a life before marriage and they can have a life that is totally independent of the marriage, given some basic boundaries- of course. Remember that it is never okay to physically overpower a woman or to stay with a woman who walks out. If she doesn’t want to be with you, let her go. That’s respecting her. Also respect yourself, don’t take her back. There was a time that a fall out never resulted in separation because no one could easily walk out of a marriage. However, that isn’t this time. People get divorced for the silliest of reasons, but it is not at any rate good to try to convince a woman set on leaving you, to stay. Not only does it show lack of respect for her decision (even if emotionally charged and ill informed) but it shows a lack of respect for yourself as a man. Men have been so quick to take women back that women no longer think leaving a man is serious. You cannot have a good life as a man if people can just come and go as they please. You cannot build anything with a woman who can leave at the drop of a hat. If that’s her mentality, respect it. Wish her the best, and move on.
Women like to feel like they are being looked after by men, specifically. Obviously, many women would deny that this is an impulse at all, but the trends show otherwise. The majority of high paid women are single because they are not prepared to marry a man who earns less money than they do. It doesn’t matter, very often, how much money a woman makes, she still wants the man to provide. Sometimes women concede that it isn’t that important for a man to provide, but then go on to completely disrespect that same man! Of course, here again women sometimes feel conflicted between the impulse to just want to be looked after by her man and the insecurity that drives her to be financially independent. There’s no solution to this problem. If you have a financially independent woman accept it for what it is. However, make sure that she works within the marriage with her money also, and that her money isn’t only for her personal ambitions. Believe it or not, this is good for her, not just for you. It helps her feel useful within the marriage because it in some small measure fulfills her natural inclination to be your help mate, and not your independent bed partner.
What I’ve noticed over and over is that women hate being blamed for stuff. It’s also not useful to blame women for anything because centuries of indoctrination has rendered women eternally innocent. Not only will others nine times out of ten see men as guilty, including other men, but she will normally also always see you as guilty. In this matter, there’s pretty much never an objective standpoint. My advice, just don’t blame her for anything. If you need to communicate anything of significance, do it without being accusatory. Accusations, even if real, don’t work with women. There’s hundreds of cases out there where women have cheated on their husbands and it was seen as the husband’s fault essentially. Women are always innocent and if you don’t acknowledge that you are never going to be able to have a peaceful marriage. There’s a difference between dealing with women in a non intimate setting and dealing with them as a spouse. In a professional capacity, women can be blamed if they mess up. In a relationship, they cannot be. What you need to do is change your strategy in how you deal with your spouse if you aren’t experiencing the desired kind of relationship with her.
In summary, a woman wants to feel wanted (if not needed), looked after (if not protected) and innocent. If you can maintain her feeling those things, you might succeed in having a good relationship with her. Obviously, these are generalizations and exceptions abound depending on the extent to which she has rationalized her non integration with her primordial self. She might say that she wants the total opposite of these things. Some women say, “disrespect me, it’s sexy” others say “don’t ever protect me, I can protect myself” or “don’t pay attention to me, it’s needy…” You should choose how you navigate these waters. Ultimately, I would say, just be yourself. Women are perfectly designed to be with men, and men really should just be men. In my experience, she wants you to know what you want! Women are variable creatures and men are the constant. She functions best when you give her that stability so that she can give everything else.
2 thoughts on “I don’t know what she wants…”
Men will agree with you here, especially older men who were married.
A brilliant article and true. Maa shaa Allah. Also concise, to the point and clear. Like I said, for men.
Young men might still argue. Will discuss it with their girl friends or the spouse who will twist their minds.
This could be true for women too. Because some men, especially cons behave like women.
In my experience with young girls who came to ask for advice, and young men ; they lack dignity. Don’t want to let the guy or girl go who clearly does not want them. Have like an obsession. Can’t say ‘ if you don’t want me, then I don’t want you’.
One incident, the mother and daughter together had affairs. The father-in-law ended up living with his son-in-law, both of them out of their women.
Then the son-in-law took his wife back, after her boyfriend dumped her and left her with a huge loan to pay on her and her husband’s house.
Thank you. Yes, it’s important for everyone to again have men who are both kind and firm. Usually, when a woman has an affair, there are several things leading up to it. It rarely happens that a woman gets seduced by a total stranger. Men can see things like that from a mile away but they often choose to remain silent or ignore it. In that way, men must accept some culpability when their wives have affairs. They allowed the the space to wide enough between them for that to happen. I don’t believe it’s good for men to blame women. I believe men should be firm enough to engage a problem directly from its inception. Men know ahead of time when their wives are likely to cheat, and they should address that. Women often know intuitively when their men are cheating, but often choose to ignore it.