Insecurity

Men should respect themselves and maybe women too.

I spent the last few weeks travelling, locked away in quarantine and now back in my beautiful country I’ve finally had a breather and decided to switch on the TV for background noise. I opened whatever was at hand on Netflix and let it play only half paying attention. Something then grabbed my attention. A guy called the girl he  had a hook up with, meant only to be a once off one night stand (Ameicans, what can I say), and she had already forgotten his name. He was like, “Oh that’s ok…” I was like… Wait wait … What? How is that OK?

I then looked up at the television and saw said guy and it got me thinking about the culture we’ve built up around these types of things. I related some of what I was seeing to the MGTOW movements and something clicked. We, in the Post-Modern Western world are constantly bombarded with how women should have standards, but men are never taught to have standards.  Men should have standards too. I’ll tell you how that conversation would’ve gone if I was the guy. “Hi, it’s me, the guy from the other night. I took you to my apartment and we had sex. Yes, that guy. Oh, you don’t remember my name? Ok, Bye.” Not that I would ever take a girl home to my apartment for a one night stand, that in itself is to shoot yourself in the foot. I think I already blogged about that in the past. 

What I would like guys to learn from me is how to treat a rental as a rental and purchase as a purchase. Yes, I’m about to piss off a lot of people. A girl you take home to just have fun with, you should not be calling back. That’s a rental. You rent it and there are plenty of other rentals out there. Girls should also not be hanging on to their one night stands, believe me the guy doesn’t actually like you, maybe he just liked your ass and since he fucked you a bunch is now just humoring you. Whereas, a girl that you’d really like to keep around for the long run is a purchase. There aren’t many girls like her, and you don’t get to take her home on the first night or have sex after whatsapping for three days. The truth is that every woman has basically the same physical assets. Sure, some appeal to you more assetically than others, but in the long run that’s not the stuff that’s going to hold a real relationship together. 

What happened next in the movie was a bit disgusting to say the least. It turns out both parties who had the hook up were in previous relationships that didn’t end well. The woman broke up with her long term boyfriend, the guy had gone through a divorce. Finally, after the chick learns the guy’s name again, they eventually do the hook up thing again. She decides that it must mean that they are now seeing each other. It’s a bit confusing right? Ok, so the first few times they have sex they are just friends but on the 4th time they are ‘seeing each other?’ How does it work? 

Eventually the girl runs into her ex-boyfriend who would like to take her back, and the guy ends up accidentally sleeping with his ex-wife (just friendly sex you know- they aren’t actually together) it just happened. His now hook up girl gets angry at this revelation and feels betrayed but is similarly negotiating with herself whether or not she should go back to her ex. It’s all one big mess and finally everyone is everyone else’s ex and they are all just friends but they also all are attracted to each other and anything can happen. No one is truly single and no one is truly with anyone. 

I look at all of this and I ask myself, “Why would anyone do that to himself or herself?” Truth is that long term relationships are built on some really solid stuff:  like not being hung up on your ex boyfriends and girlfriends and giving the new person a chance by ending those previous relationships. That guy wouldn’t end up in bed with his ex-wife if he didn’t invite her into his house and then find himself totally vulnerable- as he very well could be. That girl would not find herself perpetually confused if she didn’t start sleeping with another guy while she knew very well she was still madly in love with her currently single ex boyfriend. In fact both men in the movie would be better off without either of those women! One woman couldn’t even remember the guy’s name after sleeping with him, the other guy wants to take his girlfriend back after she engaged in another sexual relationship. I’m sitting there asking myself if I’m the only one that finds this behavior totally strange! I wouldn’t as much as look at a woman who after breaking up with me sleeps with someone else. Frankly, if you were still in love with me, enough to want to come back, then sleeping with someone else was infidelity. So how should guys respect themselves?

Don’t do one night stands but if you do, that’s all it is. Don’t call her back unless you are bored and there just isn’t anyone at that point to entertain you. Don’t make your call girl your long-term. She’s a call girl. You call her when you want a booty call, the rest of the time she’s your “friend.” That’s if you sleep around. It’s easier to sleep with women you’ve already slept with so why work for it again. Just keep them around. If you don’t sleep around, you shouldn’t have female friends. 

If you’re interested in a long term relationship, don’t do it with a woman who has just broken up with someone in her recent past. If she’s been celibate for atleast a year she might be long term material. If she is always busy with several emotional and sexual engagements she can’t commit in the long-term. She belongs to the first category. Pump and dump. Not all women are long-term material. In fact, these days most women aren’t. 

If she is still engaged with the men she slept with in the past, she has other emotional commitments. She should rightly be sleeping with them, not you. Maybe a woman can be friends with a man if she hasn’t already slept with him. Once she has slept with him, she can’t actually be friends with him and have a long-term relationship with someone else. It’s divided loyalties. There are some exceptions; like if they are co parenting children and therefore must cooperate with each other on that. However, that’s usually communicating about the children and not finding emotional fulfillment in each other. Usually people who have kids would’ve tried literally everything to keep the marriage together. If they divorced it means they aren’t going to call each other just for fun. 

Don’t sleep with the woman you are interested in keeping around for the long run until you’ve taken the time to get to know her. There’s no silver bullet to how long this time should be, but lets says weeks are too short, unless that’s your culture and people don’t generally sleep around where you live.

Ask yourself what she brings to the table other than herself. There’s no point in committing to a woman just for a booty call you can get from any of your ex-girlfriends whenever you want. Is she caring, loving, compassionate and helpful? Will she contribute to your life in meaningful ways? Or is she just going to require your attention but not be willing to shoulder the burdens of the world with you? 

Stand your ground. There are things you don’t like as a man. Say that you don’t like it. There are things you like, say that you like it. Treat your long-term partner like that’s what she is. You are a significant part of her life and how you feel about things does matter to her. It’s helpful if you say exactly what you think and how you feel because then she knows and can make decisions in her life with those in mind. Men might be simple creatures but in our time very little focus or attention has been placed on men and despite that they aren’t complex at all, very little is understood about them. Men aren’t wrong for wanting what they want, and they must be abundantly clear and unapologetic about it. 

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