MEN DEFINED IN TERMS OF THEMSELVES
I sat outside on the pavement at night in Mitchellsplain. The place where I used to hang out was close to the house of my father’s friend. It was a relatively dangerous area plagued with gangsterism and drugs. We used to admire gangsters as kids because they seemed to not give fuck and do whatever they liked. Lawlessness had a very strong appeal to us as adolescents because we were trying to emerge on the world stage as holding our own. At some level, that involved challenging norms and more importantly it involved challenging authority. The world of men was all about competition and dominance. It was unforgiving and at some level it could be cruel. We were always eager to show that we were brave and strong, and sometimes we’d do really stupid things. I know quite a few boys who were killed in this pursuit of stupid bravery, but we brushed it off as a fact of life. There was no time to cry, cower or hide.
One such day, on the street in Mitchellsplain we witnessed a car burst into flames. All the many young men in the street, most of them filled with bravado stood there in panic. You could tell that they would have liked to save the man’s life inside the car, but no one did anything. Suddenly a young man emerged with a big bucket of sand, ran straight to the car and put out most of the flames. It was incredibly brave of him. He wasn’t a gangster or a tough guy. He was just a regular guy who was behaving himself and minding his own business before the incident. This man was decisive, brave, prudent and calm. He was what at that moment defined the pinnacle of masculinity for me.
The society is ordered because men have ordered it. Where good men have failed bad men have taken over. In a society that breeds gangsterism and drugs like in Cape Town, South Africa, one of the most dangerous places in the world, it’s not women who are running the streets, its men. The origin, the principle agent, the centre of what makes a society safe is the agency of men. The opposite is also true. The principle agent in what makes a society dangerous is also men. The difference is that bad men don’t give a fuck about feminism or what women feel. They do whatever the fuck they want. While good men, instead of being out there ordering society and cleaning up the mess, are at home playing doll house with their women and being subjected to sheer temperament.
The things that makes men resilient, brave, capable and useful can also make men oppressive, tyrannical and violent. The strong urge men have to push the envelop, to drive a car at 260km per hour, to jump into the ring and fight, to do all manner of dangerous things, can lead him to be either a hero or a criminal. An anti-social and highly disagreeable man can either become the leader of a gang or the CEO of a company. It literally involves the same skills, believe it or not.
Men compete in the social hierarchy that characterises ALL societies. It used to be that such competitions were segregated. In other words, men competed in the social hierarchies of men and women competed in the social hierarchies of women. Men would compete for the top jobs that often involved manual labor, whereas women competed with each other for the top ranking men. It was a survival strategy of women to choose the top ranking men since it would afford her greater protection for her and her offspring. Women knew that they could not physically outmatch most men and that they needed men they could trust to protect them. In exchange for that protection they offered the man children and loyalty. Since he was out there hunting she would do what she could to help make life more bearable. Life was very tough for everyone. Everyone struggled and competed along largely segregated lines.
Fast forward to the 1960’s and the rules of the game had changed drastically. In order to alleviate a struggling economy it became required for both men and women to work outside of the home. However, it was still expected that men should be the breadwinners and women the homemakers. Suddenly both proved sorely inadequate at playing either roles and society slowly went downhill. Men could no longer be adequate breadwinners because the labor market had doubled now that women worked and hence the price of labor was greatly reduced. That meant that instead of women merely having the freedom to work, they now had the obligation to work. This resulted in a lot of resentment because men were seen as largely inadequate and women started saying, “I don’t need no man, I can take care of myself.”
Of course, countless women can take care of themselves financially, which is unprecedented. However this does not sit well with the way women view sexuality and attraction. Women, for millions of years, chose mates who could look after them as a key indicator of adequate parental investment and fatherhood. Women tend to marry men who are equal or above their social status of which financial status is a key indicator. They do this because they want men who can be leaders and protectors. A woman is often not keen on having a man lead her who is below her social status. The result is that most men are not considered to be eligible partners for most women in the modern world.
When the competition opened up and the same game was to be played by both men and women, an entire segment of the male population withdrew from competing. Psychologically, men are hard wired to compete with OTHER MEN, and not with women. They are wired to protect women not to compete with them. As a result many men have withdrawn from being productive members of society because they would not fare very well in the mate selection process since they are not part of the higher ups of society to begin with. If being useful means that men must compete against women then some men would simply opt out. Women are seen as help mates not competitors. In fact a woman as a competitor is a most unattractive mating partner.
Men tend to choose women who are below their financial and social status because then they can adequately be ‘the man’ in the relationship. It is an often cited grievance of highly successful women that they are lonely. It’s the price of being close to the top of the hierarchy while competing with men. Even the men who are higher in the hierarchy than a highly successful woman would ordinarily not chose her as a long-term mating partner. Men do not enjoy their rank to be constantly challenged. Men enjoy being in charge. The result is that most marriages end in divorce, and that most people simply don’t get married. The cost of a high flying carrier for a woman with a libido is that- more often that not -she will cycle through several less than interesting sexual partners throughout her sexually marketable life. She may not need a man’s money, but she still needs his dick.
The modern woman who can take care of herself still needs a man to fuck her. Usually, she doesn’t like the idea of feeling in need of any one particular man because she feels that it will usurp her autonomy as she feels herself wanting to surrender to him. Her preferred but rather fucked up mating strategy is then to mate with several guys throughout her life so that she can keep herself emotionally distant enough from each mate in order not to feel the normal instinct women feel to want to be submissive. Her greatest unhappiness stems from her wanting a submissive man. That’s not how she’s been designed, but that’s what her ideology tells her is right.
To be an authentic man in this era you will need to know that there are certain things that are crucial to your being. The first thing is that you are meant to be a provider. It’s not optional, it’s not nice, it’s necessary. To be an authentic man you need to climb up one of the hierarchies in your society and compete to create a space for yourself. Do not withdraw from the competition because the government has given women a head start and now you are having to compete with them. You need to see those women as men, because that’s what they are. When you have secured enough to be able to look after a wife, you should chose a woman who welcomes being looked after. In other words, someone who is below your status in your society so that you can play the part of the man- the part you want to play.
Don’t fall into the trap of being an independent woman’s play boy. There’s no point in fighting with a woman to be the man in the relationship, ditch her. There’s plenty of woman who actually want a man to love and cherish until death do you part. It’s still a survival strategy for most women to pair bond with one guy for eternity. There has always been a segment of women who are the hoes of society, that’s what they are- don’t make them wives. You, the men, are the origin and you hold the keys. Women are the locks which only you can open. A woman is like the door to your being. If you marry the wrong woman, anyone can enter your door. If you sleep around with such women you devalue yourself as a man. You are basically saying that you camp on territory you dare not conquer and that while you sleep in your tent any man can come and piss on you. Is that what masculinity has become?
Be strong, be brave, be useful, be you. You are a man and as a man you must hold to what your expectations are. Incidentally, men do not have nearly as many expectations as women do. That’s why your expectations are what matters, not hers. Her expectations usually changes everyday, her list gets longer, and she will bend to whoever blows the hardest. There’s no point in focusing on what she wants. What you should focus on is what you want and she will respect you for it. Because what women say and what they mean are often two entirely different things. I met a guy whose wife totally disrespected him. I asked him what was the problem. He said, “I can’t understand why she disrespects me, I do everything she asks of me…” I told him, “that’s why she disrespects you.” The truth is, she may like the idea of a puppy kid who does whatever she wants, but what she needs is a man. She needs someone who will take charge, who will have direction, who will lead and who will fuck her senseless. She needs you.
Live Your Life as a Man
This book is meant to help men live their lives authentically. There is a crisis of masculinity in the world and very few people out there have a balanced solution to the problem. This book attempts to give a balanced solution.
You can order the paper back version and have it mailed to you here.