I’m really excited today because I just launched a handbook on how to practice polygyny. I’ll add some excerpts here and then you can head over to Amazon and get your copy! I used both real life examples and my practical experience to offer guidance to people who are embarking on their journey into polygyny.
I want another wife 2
Own it 9
She won’t agree 13
Financing polygyny 17
Choosing a husband 22
Choosing a wife 27
Time management 32
Spatial arrangement 39
Household chores 50
Resolving disputes 53
She Is disobedient 62
Frequently asked questions 67
About the Author 83
I want another wife
Bilal came home late every night to a sleeping wife. She couldn’t help that she was tired, it is after all not easy to look after two toddlers and an infant. Sitting in the kitchen sipping a cup of tea and eating the dinner that was left for him on the kitchen counter, Bilal’s mind starts to drift. He leaves home at 7am every morning and comes home at 9pm at night. The house is always dirty and he does not have much of a sex life with his wife who is usually tired. Between running a business and trying to run a household, Bilal feels like he is at a loss. Standing in front of the kitchen sink while washing the dishes that seem to be endless since it includes all the dishes from breakfast to dinner, Bilal wonders what life would be like if he had another wife? Wouldn’t it be nice to come home to a clean house? Wouldn’t it be nice to come home to a wife that is actually awake on most days?
Everyday Bilal meets extremely beautiful women at his shop and on occasion he senses that there is interest in him. After all, Bilal has the image of success. He has his own business and a thriving young family. Every so often, a woman propositions Bilal but he always refuses. After all, while Bilal might fancy other women, he does not want to have an affair. This is not only the story of Bilal, it is the story of countless men around the world. There is a drive that exists between both men and women, that seeks out potential mates. The many women that proposition Bilal find themselves attracted to the image of success. Whereas Bilal, finds himself attracted to the youth and beauty of the many women who are available to him. Slowly but surely the prospect of other women breaks down the resolve of Bilal to remain faithful to the one wife that he has. One day, Bilal starts to talk to a young attractive female customer on a regular basis and starts to feel himself increasingly vulnerable to having an affair. After all, affairs are rather common place and while it isn’t made public, is almost socially acceptable.
Polygyny is not an excuse men use to have sex with multiple women. In the western culture, having sex with multiple women is relatively easy and does not require loyalty, commitment and marriage. Often the practice of polygyny is conflated with the culture of promiscuity. The major difference between polygyny and promiscuity is that in polygyny the man is exclusively with a certain number of women who are loyal and faithful to him. Polygyny is a closed system of marriage and isn’t a free for all. It is not equal to the practice of sexual communism predominant in liberal societies.
Yes, thought Fatimah, he has a wife, but… he can have another wife. It’s after all allowed and by wanting to marry him I’m doing nothing wrong. Am I? I don’t want to be called a home wrecker. Would I have liked to share him if I was his wife? Probably not. It’s all so confusing. I would never have ordinarily considered polygyny for myself. Really, I doubt that any woman would want this as her first option. But look around? Most of the guys in my neighbourhood are unemployed, roaming the streets, on drugs, and otherwise incapable of fathering children or looking after me. Bilal is hard working, successful, religious, charismatic and handsome. I mean, who wouldn’t want him? I would be an asset to his life and it would be good for him to have me. Heck it might even be good for his wife.
There is no shortage of women who become mistresses to married men. There’s no shortage of men who have mistresses while married. The reason why there’s no shortage is because there is a demand for it, and there is an endless stream of supply. However, a mistress isn’t another wife. A mistress is a mistress. Countless women are prepared to be mistresses when they decide that they have fallen in love with married men. Many men stray from their marriages because they feel like acquiring access to another woman is within reach. This is often how polygyny is embarked on to begin with. People feel a sharp pull towards each other and then have to negotiate how best to pursue it, if they have a sense of what is right and wrong. People who do not have a sense of right and wrong do not give the matter any forethought and would at any rate just jump into bed with each other.
Men who are not chaste, seldom if ever consider marrying another wife. Let’s face it, without the incentive to have loving sex with other women on a permanent basis, marrying more women would not be as appealing. Men who at any rate do not mind having mistresses or cheating throughout their married lives, will much rather deal with only one woman as a wife. The man who considers marrying a woman he desires, is- to begin with- a fairly decent human being. Men who are indecent never broach the subject of having another wife because they don’t see the need to marry more women if they can at any rate sleep with women without having to worry about incurring any responsibilities. If you, as a man, are considering marrying another wife it’s because you don’t sleep around. Congratulations. If you, as a woman, are considering being a wife to a married man or marrying a man who openly confesses to believing in and pursuing polygyny, it’s because you are being realistic.
Polygyny only ever occurs to people who are in general not interested in sleeping around. There is no need for polygyny if people can simply find mates in any and everyone. In this way, polygyny is about exclusivity. It’s about people valuing each other as being their exclusive mates. Perhaps not as exclusive as monogamy, but exclusive nevertheless. A man who marries as a virgin can scarcely with in reason be expected to mate with only that one single woman for life. It is not natural for a man to have only one sexual partner for life. A single man would be capable of impregnating hundreds of woman in a single lifetime. If that is a man’s potential, confining him to just one woman because of a societal or legal construct is unfair. However, one woman can be impregnated by just one man each and every time she is capable of falling pregnant.
The conundrum between the sexes is that they have very different mating strategies. A woman looks for a strong man who has everything it takes to look after her and her offspring. She wants all the best qualities to exist in this single man whom she often hopes will remain with her, and loyal to her for life. A man looks for young, fertile and beautiful women whom he can impregnate as often as possible. Both sexes do those things on a subconscious level and it translates into what we call, “sexual attraction.” Fatimah wants to be with Bilal because he is the best man for the job, regardless of the fact that he’s already married. If anything, his successful marriage proves his ability to father children. Women have often observed that they are more attracted to married men than unmarried men. It’s an instinct deep rooted in their DNA that demonstrates to them both the worth of the man- through what he does for his wife and children- and their own worth- in that he would choose to sleep with her regardless of his other women.
It is unfortunate, but not surprising, that most of what women strive after is uncomfortable and often painful. Women who strive after having children are also simultaneously signing up for the pain of giving birth. Similarly, women who sign up for polygyny are also signing up for the trauma of having to experience severe bouts of jealousy. Yet, despite the unpleasantness around both these things, women voluntarily do both these things all the time. Men on the other hand are constantly in pursuit of women despite that women often create major instability in their lives and render otherwise peaceful terrain into utter chaos. With all that is at stake, and there is a lot, men and women cannot seem to stay away from each other.
The secret of attraction is prohibition. The initial resistance that women offer when being approached by men is part of what makes them attractive. There is something a man wants that he can’t just have. Similarly, men who are seemingly not wanting or in need of women, are often a lot more attractive than men who are lonely. The prohibitive behaviour of a virgin makes them a lot more attractive to men, just like the prohibitive behaviour of a man who has another woman. In other words, the virginity of a woman is that she has been untouched by another man, whereas the virginity of a man is that he has experience with other women- because both phenomena results in similar behaviour. The man with many women always has room for one more, whereas the woman of many men always has one less. As the man’s experience increases so does his attractiveness, whereas as the woman’s experience increases so does her unattractiveness. That’s because diversity is a man’s natural mating strategy, whereas exclusivity is a woman’s.
When a woman finds herself attracted to a man of many women, it’s because it calls to her very being. It’s because a man of many women is being his natural self. It makes him exceedingly attractive that he would unashamedly pursue what is true to himself and not cower under the pressure of one woman who would seek to ‘own’ his sexuality. Monogamy, is in essence, anti man because it tries to assert the feminine imperative onto the masculine. It is why I advise men never to agree to monogamy even if they are more inclined towards it for their own reasons. A woman’s instincts are that she doesn’t want a man who agrees to give into her own desires. Rather she wants a man who does what he desires.
When a man finds himself attracted to young and beautiful women it’s because they are potentially child bearing. The more innocent a woman is the more attractive she is to men. Men instinctively know that they are the eternal partners of women whose virginity they took. They may not be around, but there is a vulnerability lodged within the memory of that woman that that man will always ‘own.’ Since men are psychologically interested in off spring, the best way to guarantee that any offspring with women will belong to them is if that women has never slept around. What men want is to be the first so that they hold a special position that will more likely guarantee women’s loyalty.
On account of these two very conflicting and yet complementary attitudes towards mating, men look for virgins, while virgins are drawn to players. While monogamy is great to hold together a family and to create stable societies (when it actually works), polygyny is where the best sex is experienced and where people are actually attracted to each other because they are fulfilling their natural mating strategies. However, since it is still an institution of marriage and has at its core the betterment of society, there are foundational principles that must be observed.
It’s not enough to just want another wife, or to want a man who is already married. Sex begets bonds, and bonds require loyalty, duties and responsibilities. Bilal wants another wife because it is an innate desire for men to want several women. In Bilal’s religious construct this relates to the idea of having another wife and not just getting it over and done with by engaging in flings. Fatimah wants a specific man who happens to be married. More likely, she wants that specific man because he is married and not by mere accident. Bilal without the wife and kids would not be as attractive to Fatimah as he is now. They are both acting on their instincts and their different mating strategies. But is instinct and desire enough?
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Suddenly, Ayesha, who had spent every night with her husband for several years has several nights where she is free. At first, she spends those nights grieving, but after a while she starts getting into writing short essays for an online company. Life starts to become a lot more multi-dimensional and she finds herself starting to workout more. She has, incidentally, for the first time in years, found a space in which she has time for herself. Meanwhile, Bilal finds himself exhausted as he runs up and down between two households everyday. Sometimes he isn’t sure at which house he left some of his clothes and often can’t find anything. It’s difficult for him to keep track and he doesn’t always know whether he’s coming or going.
When men and women start out in polygyny they often struggle. Women struggle with feeling jealous and have trouble reigning it in. Men struggle with having to divide their time between two or more families. The best thing to do is to set up an actual schedule. Each wife should have her set nights so that she doesn’t start to feel neglected. However, these nights can be negotiated and sometimes exchanged when situations crop up. For example, if one wife needs to travel she can forfeit her nights to the other wife or exchange it for nights that will be owed to her at a later date. The schedule doesn’t have to be ‘fair’ in terms of equal distribution of nights. A career women who spends most of her time working might only be available on the weekends and might not see the point in her husband sleeping over during the week when she is most exhausted and doesn’t really want him around. She could negotiate to have two weekends exclusively and have his other wives take all the other nights of the week.
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Very few people give constructive information about having sex. Most resources focus on how to pleasure the other person. That is entirely the wrong approach to sex. Your job during sex is pleasuring yourself. Both male and female should focus on how best to pleasure themselves with their partners and not on how best to pleasure their partners. When it comes to sex and pleasure it is still important to follow some basic etiquettes for good health and longevity.
In polygyny it is very important to practice impeccable standards of hygiene. As a man you must remember that you are having sex with multiple women on a regular basis. If you are not circumcised then you should do so as soon as possible. Circumcision guarantees that you are less likely to carry some bacterial infections from one wife to another. I don’t think uncircumcised men have any business practicing polygyny.
Whenever you have sex with your wife, make sure you wash your private parts thoroughly afterwards. Never carry the remnants of one wife over to another wife. That is wrong on so many levels. You should also wash your entire body if you had sex with one wife and it is time to spend the night with the other. Do not carry the smell of one wife over to another wife on your skin or body. This might mean that you need to be in a habit of washing everyday. I think that should be a standard Western practice at any rate.
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Polygyny is not about the empowerment of the individual for individual ends, but is about empowerment of the collective. Since it is common for women to at some point want children, it is important to have a husband who can facilitate that through his ability to financially support his wives. Part of facilitating a man’s worldly success is by making his life comfortable at home so that he does not have to himself deal with it. However, if the financial support is coming from some of the wives, then the wives who are not working should carry the bulk of the household chores. Later, if the wives who work fall pregnant and would like to be home, then the wives who were home can assume the role of helping to bring home the joint household income. During this time the husband should be pursuing a greater earning potential through engaging in business in the event all his wives decide they would much rather be home than out pursuing a career. It’s all about working together. We call it ubuntu in South Africa.
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If there’s one thing true about marriage then it is that disputes will arise. It has been five years since Bilal married Mariam who now has two children. One child is four years old and the other is two. Mariam, having first insisted on having children is starting to feel like she has missed out on career opportunities. She begins to resent her husband who has asked her to stay home because the children should be a priority. Eventually she decides that she would much rather get a job. Bilal is not happy with the idea, not because he is agains women working but because he would like his children to be raised by their own mother and not by someone else.
It is not abnormal for people to disagree and for people to change their minds. Sometimes the original agreement you make with a woman before you marry her doesn’t hold up. Often a woman might feel a certain way when she is young and then changes her mind later as she gets older. Men also often change their mind about what their priorities should be. Sometimes men decide as they get holder that they are tired of all the responsibilities and would like to be carefree for a bit. Whatever the case may be, whenever you have two people in any situation for long enough, there will be conflict. What about when you have three or more?
That’s just to give you some idea of what the book is about. Head over to Amazon or yet get your digital copy by clicking on the SHOP NOW button below.
This is a short and useful digital book you can get and share with your friends. You can also buy the paper back on AMAZON.