Who am I
Am I a loser?
Hi I’m Jack Higgins. I’m going to tell you my story of how I met the girl of my dreams and… FROZE. Well, yeah, at first I froze, then I sulked. After sulking, I gained some extra weight. But before we get into all that, let me tell you what my life was like, and why I needed to change it. First let me switch off this video game because I’m like so way ahead of everyone else on Fortnite, I just can’t afford to get distracted – from the game I mean. It’s funny how that works. I always say it’s a matter of perspective. For some people, games distract them from the real world, whereas for me, the real world distracts me from my games – or at least it used to.
I’m an American man from Round Rock, Texas where I live with my Mum. Incase you didn’t know, Round Rock is a small town near Austin. Someone called it Round Rock because, well, there’s an actual round rock in the creek. This little town sucks because, well, I know everyone here and everyone knows me. When you’re in a town like this and everyone thinks you’re a loser, then a loser you’ll stay. The ballots are in, as they say. People here don’t only know me, they know my father and grandfather and my mother’s entire family. We are like the original Texans I guess, the real deal – not that there’s much to be proud of. Like most Texans from these parts, we come from a long line of military service. A line that, unfortunately, stopped with my Dad- God rest his soul. I hear about the greatness of my ancestors all the time, which also goes with some judgmental encouragement, “you should follow in their footsteps son.” It’s just another way of saying I’m a loser. The only thing I have of my Dad is a medal and a picture. I was seven years old when he was killed in Iraq fighting against those crazy A RABS. It’s hard being the referees of the world. We always have to go sort out the crazy shit happening in other countries so we can bring peace, democracy and what not. I sometimes wonder how I, an American, originating in the greatest nation of the world, the heroes and saviors of all humanity, could do my part. My great ancestors are probably gonna be embarrassed to receive me when we stand in front of Abraham Lincoln, or God, or whatever. I’m not exactly sure how it works. I usually sit and sleep at the back on Sunday when we go to Church. The greatness of America, the Church, God, the President, is really sometimes all just a big blur to me. But yeah, fuck it, it’s irrelevant. I just know that the A Rabs and those Muslamic folks are evil and that’s who our enemies are. That’s good enough for me.
I’m told that my Dad was a real hero. He saved many men’s lives during his service in the army. He went to Iraq to liberate the women and children from the Muslamic rules, like women are all prisoners there. While he tried to save them, they killed him. Those fucking A rabs are all crazy. We even have some A rabs in the white house. That’s why I think Trump was right. America should be for Americans, but the Indians who were here before us are alright I reckon. I heard one of them say that they were here first. I reckon that’s fair enough, but that chick in Hijab in the white house… yeah maybe she should go back to Arabia or wherever she comes from. Anyway, the bottom line is that they hate our freedom and democracy. That’s what President Bush said. I might’ve joined the army, I know a lot of people there. Ever since I was a kids it felt like the right thing to do. My Mum, however, didn’t have the stomach to lose another person to war, and vowed that she’d raise me never to join the army. She’d always say, “Jack, them business ain’t ours. Let them folks sort out their own shit. I already lost your father, I ain’t gonna lose you too.” She sure did a good job of that. I’m too fat anyway to join the army but I also haven’t joined much else. I was kinda wondering to myself, if one day when they have robot soldiers, would my military gaming skills come in handy. Wouldn’t that be sick? I’ve killed lots of virtual A rabs online. Elon Musk is a true all American hero, building the technology that will make soldiers of men like me.
I am likely one of the greatest gamers in the world because that’s basically what I’ve done with most of my time. In school I kinda sucked at sports, so that was a no-no for me. Instead, I focused on exercising my two thumbs, and boy are they really strong. That’s why I have such an amazing rounded physique. It’s convenient too. When I’m having a snack I can rest things on the top of my stomach. How many people can do that? At five foot five with a belly that makes me look around eight month pregnant it wasn’t possible for me to do track or play basketball. Like really, they should invent more sports for people like me right? They should call it, “sports for men who can’t see their own dicks.” What can I say, my life is great. Or at least it was great until my Mum got fed-up with me.
Having spent nearly most of my childhood on the couch playing games because my Mum didn’t like that the kids outside would beat me up, I wasn’t sure on how else to live or what else to do. Just because I’m twenty-five years old, my crazy ass Mum has been insisting that I get a job. A JOB? What for? I like earn money playing games, that’s way cooler. Anyway, so everything was all good. I had my stash of porn, my awesome gaming console, my VR headset and things were perfect. Who needs anything else, right? Well, we do kinda need the Metaverse, that would be awesome and right up my alley. I don’t much like the real world anyway. I look like an average white guy, only I’m fatter than most and shorter than most. But other than that, I’m blonde, with blue eyes, a semi protruding forehead, and a wide jaw. I would have a strong jawline if you could see it underneath the fat. Ever since a kid my Mum kept my semi curly blonde hair short. I’m not exactly known for my good looks.
My Mum has two jobs because she says she’s gotta be both a father and a mother. For a woman in her early forties, my Mum is still fairly attractive. She maintains her slight build because she works so hard and is about the same height as I am. She too is blonde and has scary green eyes. She has faint eyebrows and is pretty pale in complexion. Her red lipstick she wears contrasts sharply against her pale face like a Japanese flag. She usually gets home at about 10pm every night from her second job at Starbucks. She always said that back in the day it wasn’t so easy to get a college education and at any rate she got knocked-up really young. She and my Dad were seniors together in high school, and made me on their prom night on the back seat of my Dad’s Buick. My Mum would always say my Dad was the most handsomest man she ever laid her eyes on. Unlike me, he was tall, muscular, had dark brown eyes and pitch black hair. He had tanned skin from spending hours on the football field, and was mighty popular. When people say that the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree, they weren’t talking about me. He had thick black eyebrows, high cheek bones, and a sharp nose. He had a wide set strong jaw and was a tough man to beat in a fight. After my Mum fell pregnant, my Dad married my Mum, and had to pretend that the deed happened after marriage. Back in the day it was a big deal to have sex before marriage. I never did understand that. Were they like stupid or something?
My Dad had to provide for his pregnant wife, and had no qualifications so did what his Dad did. He joined the army and became a war hero. My Mum says she always worried whether she’d see him again, but he always came home. It’s not easy being married to a man in the army; never knowing if he is alive or dead. On that one fateful day, when that brown military vehicle pulled up in front of the house, she knew that it was bad news. She always reminds me of the exact words the officer told her on that tragic day, “Mrs Higgins, your husband can’t come back from where hewent this time, because he gone to heaven.” I genuinely feel sorry for my Mum, even though she can sometimes be a real bitch. She tried to date a few guys over the years, but they usually never stick around – thankfully. I’m the man of this house and it ought to stay that way.
So one night she comes home real pissed off with me. She starts ranting on about how I should contribute, and I’m like just staring at the screen playing Call of Duty. Guess what she did? Yep, you guessed it. She smashed my gaming console, and chucked my VR set against the wall. Yelling at the top of her lungs, “Jack Higgins, go and get a life for God’s sake!” Can you fucking believe that? I yelled back, which I should’t have done, “Get a Life! I already have a life!”
So now I’m pissed right. I go to my room, which is the basement, and I watch a movie. After that, I check out some porn, jack-off, watch some more movies, jack-off some more, and so on and so forth. You get the point.
After like a month of chilling in the basement, my dick was killing me from all the jacking off and I swear my right arm was like thicker than my left, it was like totally weird. Well, it gets better, or should I say worse. Whatever, you decide. My Mum comes storming down the staircase one night, and hands me a piece a paper. Like what the fuck. I stare down at it and she just keeps staring at me. I was like totally confused. “What’s this?” I asked. She replied sharply with that arrogant frown of hers, “You start tomorrow at Hallmark, you punk-ass bitch. And you better not fuck this up!” I made a big mistake just at that moment. They say never provoke a dragon. My Mum is the meanest of the lot with that hot breath that will burn your ass. I replied, “Or what?” And she said very calmly (and that’s when she’s at her scariest), “Or you pack up your things and get out of my house. Do we understand each other?” There’s only one answer to a question like that, “Yes Ma’am.”
Still holding the page in my sweaty hand, semen on my other hand, I figure it’s worth a shot. I can’t exactly afford to pay rent on a place. Or maybe I should like take my savings and live out of my truck, which I affectionately call: Amy. I got Amy when I was in community college. Yeah, I bet you didn’t think I was educated right? Well, I did two years and then decided it wasn’t really for me. I mean, who wants to be made fun of all the time? I kinda just stopped short of getting my Associates because it was all a lot of bullshit anyway. Why take courses to take courses? But now I had more pressing issues. To shave or not to shave? Heck when last did I shave? I kinda like the caveman look but I’m sorta guessing that out in the civilized world they don’t like us real men. Shave it is. Oddly this is kinda exciting. I haven’t been out in… I dunno… months, a year?
My first day on the job
I can totally do this
Jack, you fucking jackass! Wake the fuck up. You’re gonna be late. I open my eyes slowly only to see my Mum standing over me in her white gown; her wet hair handing over the front of her shoulders. That’s just how my Mum talks, alright. 9am, holy shit. Luckily I shaved last night. Although, I made a few blunders but nothing major. I jump into my finest jeans, it’s the one with the least amount of holes in them, and my trusted sneakers which I only keep for special occasions. No time for breakfast. Oops, I fucking always trip on that last stair or whatever you call it. “Hey Mum, smell my breath, is it okay?” “Just chew this gum. Go knock them out tiger.” I always hated when she called me tiger. But today I kinda appreciate it because last night she was a real bitch.
Amy, my truck, stinks like shit. I forgot to chuck out an old pizza. I love this fuckin truck. It’s got this odd color which is kinda blue, kinda grey, and kinda, green. I mean, it’s the only truck that doesn’t have a color one can actually define. It’s a serious truck, a 5 liter V8 Engine built to last from the 80’s. My neighbor, who was also a war veteran always says each and every time he sees me, “They don’t make em like that anymore!” With a big smile of approval on his face. Old Uncle Johnny always made me feel real good about Amy. Now just in case you didn’t know, a truck like this doesn’t just start. It’s not like those fuel injected stuff with an automatic choke and whatnot. This is a real machine. First you gotta give the gas one quick push to the floor and keep it there. That squirts some gas into the chamber from the carbs, and keeps the carb open. Then you gotta swing it. As soon as it takes, you gotta pull open the choke a bit and let her run for a few minutes before pulling away.
Uncle Johnny taught me a thing or two about cars. That’s all he ever talks about. When I was a kid, he’d let me watch him work on vintage mustangs that he would restore. On occasion he’d let me turn in a bolt or two. Most days he’d only allow me to hand him the wrenches. That was before video games took up all my time. Today there’s no time to let Amy warm up. So that she doesn’t cut out I kinda have to drive with one foot semi on the gas and the other on the brake. Amy doesn’t like to be driven while cold. I heard this one guy say that in one of the porn films I saw. It kinda reminded me of Amy. Weird I know. I am kinda still a virgin. Although, you shouldn’t be telling anyone else that. Kapeesh.
Right, it’s only fifteen minutes away to Hallmark so I’ll make it at 9:30 ish. Suddenly I feel nervous. This is why I normally stay home. The kids down the road always throw my car with old rotten vegetables as I drive past. I don’t wanna say what they call me, but it isn’t funny. Thankfully, today, they aren’t outside. Perhaps this is a good sign? Today is gonna be just fine. I’ve grown up in these parts and I know the folks over at Hallmark so… I guess this is gonna be ok.
This feeling I have whenever I’m forced to meet people reminds me of the day I met Tammy. That was was in my senior year at High School. Tammy, now she was something else. She was like five foot three, with long slender legs, a beautiful tan, green eyes and brown wavy hair. She wasn’t from the South, but moved here with her parents from Portland, Oregon. She was shy, sweet, clever, and a bit of a geek, sorter like me minus the looks. OK and the sweetness. That was the only girl in High School that really grabbed my attention and eventually I would build up the courage to speak to her. In fact, I would become her friend, but that would be all. Even though my dick would be hard as hell almost the entire time I was around her, it would just never materialize into something more than friendship. I just wasn’t any competition for the other guy, the one who finally got her. He was a total airhead, but he was good looking, athletic, tall and his parents were rich. Basically, I am worried that I won’t be good enough. But maybe, just maybe I will be- I brought my Dad’s medal with me for good luck. Maybe this time, if he’s looking, he’ll be proud.
Clenching my Dad’s medal in my pocket, I march through the door. I was the son of a war veteran, I must have some of that bravery somewhere in me. I walk up to the lady at the counter saying, “Hi, I’m Jack.” She looks at me confused. A long awkward minute passes us by. You can’t imagine how long a minute can be. Her face says, “Yeah, and?” To which I reply, “this is my first day.” The wrinkles on her forehead subsides, I guess that’s her way of acknowledging what I just said. “Ok just give me a minute.” She picks up the receiver on her phone neatly placed in front of her on the desk, “Tammy, there’s someone here saying that he starts today, he’s name is…” She looks up at me, “Jack, Jack Higgins.” I feel a bit dumb, if I was going for the James Bond theme I should’ve said, “Higgins, Jack Higgins.” I stand awkwardly, as I wait. The lady at the counter picks up on this and says, “You can take a seat over there if you like.” I replied awkwardly, “No, it’s fine here.”
As if my spider senses were alerted, I suddenly turned around. Well, not suddenly, more like slowly. I don’t get to make sudden moves at 350 pounds. A voice sounding like it came from heaven bypassed my ears and went straight to my heart, it said, “Hi, Jack.” I froze. Instead of responding I just starred at her. “Hi, is everything ok?” I suddenly snapped out of it thinking to myself that this was the worse day of my life. It was enough that I was nervous coming to this job, but now I’ll have to work here being horny all the time because it’s the same Tammy. Holy shit. Finally I respond, “Oh hey, Tammy, is it really you?” She replied warmly, “Who else would it be?” Trying to play it cool I simply said, “Well, today is my first day here. What do you need me to do?” To be honest, I’d much rather have been mopping floors with my t-shirt than stand there at that moment. She looked at me tentatively with a slight frown and then said, “Oh Ok, let’s get straight to work then, follow me.”
Tammy suddenly turned and started walking. She had on white high heel shoes, a tight grey skirt that was just above her knees and a white short sleeves blouse that showed some cleavage. I couldn’t help check her out all the way from her feet, getting stuck for a few seconds on her ass that was moving as she walked, she clearly had on a g-string, and then moving all the way up to her head. This was going to be challenging. I wonder if masturbating in the bathroom would be in order. “Get a grip of yourself Jack” I kept telling myself. Tammy stopped, looked over at me and said in an almost commanding way, “You’ll start here. I need you to pack these shelves with these products. I’ll check on you in a bit. Follow the sequence you see on your right and just keep going until the entire shelf is stocked. Got it?” I instinctively said, “Yes Ma’am” to which she smiled and then walked away. I watched her for a few seconds more, and then looked down. I heaved a heavy sigh, this was going to be the most exercise I’ve had in years.
Lifting the boxes lined up on the tiled floor proved to be a lot of bending. For a fat guy, that isn’t easy. As time went on I got a bit clumsy but then heard the jingling inside and realized that I was working with glass lamps. I thought to myself that I’m such an idiot. There’s actually a picture of a lamp on every box. I decided then to be more careful hoping that I haven’t already broken some before realizing what I was working with. After like an hour of packing boxes I was drenched in sweat. I thought to myself that I might actually lose weight. Even though the pay was lousy, just losing some weight would make this job worth it. I was tired and only half way done. I needed to sit down but there was nowhere to sit, at least nowhere nearby and I didn’t want to leave this spot in case Tammy came back to see how I was doing.
While I was bending to lift a box two little kids walked pass with their Mum. Every time I bent over they started laughing. Their Mum looked at them curiously, then she looked at me. Suddenly the kids started laughing again. Finally catching the joke, their Mum decided to walk over to me, “excuse me … mm.. your butt crack is showing and I don’t think it’s appropriate…” I paused for a while unsure of what to say so I just said, “Oh, yes, you’re right, thanks for alerting me to that important information, I will take it into consideration before I make my next decent to lift yet another of these amazing boxes. Would you like to buy a lamp?” Also feeling embarrassed, the lady just snatched the lamp box from my hand, put it in her pushcart and just whizzed away.
Already sweating like a pig, I now had to put on my jacket to cover up my butt crack. This was going to be a long day. Note to self, “tomorrow wear a long t-shirt underneath the uniform.” Holy shit, the uniform. I definitely can’t wear this exact same uniform drenched in sweat tomorrow again. I will need to ask Tammy if I can get another uniform. An hour later, and I finally packed the last box on the shelf. At that moment Tammy strolled into the aisle. “Wow, Jack, that was fast. Good job!” I smiled sheepishly at being told that. I felt like a little kid getting a star sticker on my book for having done my homework. She looked at me all wet and said, “You look like you could use a break.” I replied, trying to be macho, “No, not at all, I’m perfectly fine.” Seeing that response for what it was she said, “I thought this task would take you all day to do, so you’re basically done for today. You can take the rest of the day off and I’ll see you here at 9:30am tomorrow before the store opens. Ok?” Honestly, I was relieved. I felt like I could use a shower. But I remembered that I would need another uniform, so I asked her about it. She said, “Oh ok, follow me, we’ll go get you one.” She took me to the back of the store, in the warehouse where the uniforms were. This follow me routine that she seemed to be fond of was really sexy. It was a real painful treat to watch her walking from behind. I had the strange feeling that she knew it too. She turned her head while she was walking away and smiled. It was kinda like one of those movies right before the chick invites you into her room to fuck her. It felt like that, but obviously it wasn’t that.
While standing behind her in the warehouse, Tammy pulled up a chair and got on it to reach for the uniforms on the top shelf. Now her ass was right in my face and it was a wonderful sight. She then got off the chair, but not before asking me to hold her hand, which I politely did but which was super awkward. She got off, and then I forgot to let her hand go. So she said, “Jack, Jack, may I have my hand back please.” I came to my senses and said, “Oh oh, yeah, of course.” I took the uniform, held it in front of my stomach incase it was obvious that my dick was standing straight up and then said, “Alright, thanks, see you tomorrow.”
The new neighbor
Holy Shit, they’re taking over America
Feeling relieved that I’m almost home I notice this big truck next door. Aunt Dorothy died about two months ago so the house was auctioned off. I’ll never forget Aunt Dorothy, she was something else, and I don’t mean in a good way. I don’t know how she died because she wasn’t that old. I remember one day coming home from college seeing Aunt Dorothy at her front door in a little see-through pink nighty. She called me over as I got out of my truck saying that she needed help lifting a box in her bedroom. I didn’t think anything of it because I grew up in front of her. A few years back Uncle Sam, her husband, also died in Afghanistan. They didn’t have any kids. Anyway, so I get to the bedroom and there’s no box. She comes up behind me and starts attacking me saying, “You wanna get laid Jack? I’m sure you need to get laid.” She was weird like that. I ran out of there. I mean, sure, I would like to get laid but by someone who is like twenty something, not fifty. Anyway, I didn’t tell anyone about that story, I figured she’d be embarrassed and just in case I decided it was worth a shot anyway, I could always take her up on the offer later. I know it’s kinda gross, but there are days man, when I think anything is better than nothing.
Unfortunately, that was the last memory I have of Aunt Dorothy. When I was a kid she was really nice. She’d always give me candy and buy me gifts. She used to say that I could play at her place whenever I liked. I just went there for her candy but there wasn’t much to do there anyway so I didn’t exactly take her up on the offer. Sometimes, when my Mum was out on a date, Aunty Dorothy would look after me. She was a bit creepy, because she took the job literally. She would stare at me the entire time while I watched cartoons or played with my cars on the floor. Every time I’d look up at her she’d say, “What’s it Jack, what do you want?” She’d get me whatever I asked for too. One day, about a year ago, her sister came to visit her and found her dead on the floor. They say that she probably fell and there was no one to help her up. She had some sort of disease. I hope she’s happy now in Heaven or whatever. I haven’t exactly figured out what I believe, but it doesn’t matter I reckon. I haven’t even figured out what I’m gonna do for the next year, it doesn’t make sense for me to worry about what happens after I die.
I pulled in my truck slowly and looked over at Aunt Dorothy’s house. There were people carrying boxes in. Now I generally don’t like people all that much, but my Mum always said it was good manners to welcome the new neighbor. I was wondering though if I was in a good enough condition to do so. After I sniffed myself I decided that it wasn’t too bad. I strolled over to the house and asked if they needed help with the boxes. I introduced myself to the guys carrying the boxes. One of them responded, “Hey we don’t live here, we’re just the movers.” Just then a woman emerged from the front door. I looked over at her and thought, “Holy Shit, they’re taking over America!” She was a Muslamic woman. I could tell because she had a black Hijab on her head. She was about five foot five, not fat but not thin either, and had bright green eyes with a slightly tanned white complexion. She wore jeans with a long navy blue sweater that came all the way down to the middle of the her thighs. She had on white chuck tailors and had a meaningful stride. She was clearly forthright and fearless. She walked over to me and I started to panic. What was she gonna do? I could feel the hair on my back rise up. She stood squarely in front of me, extended her hand and said, “Hi, I’m Fatima.” I stood frozen for a minute, looked at her hand, then looked at her smiling face. Then re-postured myself. She pulled her hand back and said, “Oh you don’t shake hands, that’s ok. I understand.” I said, “No, no, sorry I do.” I stuck out my hand and she shook it. “Hi, I’m the neighbor, Jack.” Fatima, with a warm smile replied, “Lovely to meet you. When we are settled in you should come over.” I said automatically, “Yeah sure, thanks.” I thought to myself, “I hope this isn’t another creepy lady that doesn’t have a husband.”
Just then we hear this loud shout from the porch. “Mum! Moooom!” Fatima turned around, “Oh and that’s my daughter Mymona.” My eyes locked with hers for a minute and she just smirked at me. “I thought, just great, first a pedophile now terrorists.” I excused myself and then left. I found myself clenching my Dad’s medal in my pocket. It was all too real. My Dad went over there to fight the A rabs, and now they’ve moved in next to us. I decided I will keep an eye on them. If there is anything Fortnite taught me, then it is to keep your enemies close. I would finally be able to do my ancestors proud by keeping America safe from Fatima and Mona, the terrorists next door. I will find out what their mission is and then I will report them to the police.
Back in my den, I could finally masturbate. I didn’t need any of my magazines this time. I still had Tammy deeply imprinted in my mind. What a glorious session. When last was I around an actual girl? Maybe two years ago? The lockdown didn’t help much, but I can’t really blame the lockdown. I never really bothered to try. Truth is I’d probably never have sex with a girl ever because well, I’m just not sexy enough. It might in fact be physically impossible because how will my dick reach with my stomach in the way? I’m so bored these days because there are no video games to play, since my Mum broke it, and there are no movies to watch- because I’ve seen them all.
I decided to Google, “Muslamic terrorists” and I found out more about them. Did you know that they worship a cube in Mecca called the Kaba to which they pray five times a day. That’s like worshipping the devil. If there’s one thing I caught in church was that the only real God there is that should be worshiped is Jesus, or Jesus and His Dad. It’s a bit confusing, but I know Jesus is the way. That’s why I sleep in church because when I was a kid and the pastor asked me, “Do you accept Jesus as your lord and savior so that all your sins will be forgiven?” I had just one question for him, “All my sins, present and future?” He said, “Yes! Praise Be!” And I was like, “Amen. I accept.” I figured that there was no need for Church after that, I could basically do whatever I wanted. Of course, I go anyway because my Mum insists on it but my religion is already complete. Jesus died for my sins and I am going to heaven, if there’s a heaven that is. There’s nothing more to it. God, I love being a Christian.
I read further about Muslamic people. I found out that they believe all people who do not worship the cube they call Allah or the Kaba will go to hell and should be killed. However, those beliefs they keep secret and they just pretend to be nice and accepting, while waiting for the right moment to pounce on their enemies – you and me and all non-Muslamics. Yes, I’m not even making this up. There are loads of websites about the dangers of these crazy A rabs. Did you know that when a Muslamic man wants a woman, he just has to buy her from her father? Yeah, it’s a bit weird right but not that weird. I reckon we do the same thing, only we buy the girl from herself. I mean, that’s why I can’t get a girl right? I don’t have money to buy one. So I guess we are similar in that way.
They also do blood sacrifices of sheep and goats and stuff to dedicate to the Kaba or Allah or whatever. Apparently they have ninety-nine gods. Honestly, the only part I don’t like is where they want to kill everyone who isn’t part of their religion. I couldn’t care if they worship ninety-nine gods. It might be a good idea. The more the merrier. Who knows. As far as I know, the pastor worships three gods: Jesus, His Dad, and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know if I worship a god. Like I say, I just accepted Jesus and after that I was pretty sure there’s no need to worship anyone because I’m all good. Jesus took care of it already.
Gosh, all this stuff gives me a headache. Why can’t everyone just chill out, forget about all this nonsense and not kill each other. If I made up a religion, I wouldn’t worry about a god at all. It will just say, “Everyone chill the fuck out.” Maybe I should start my own religion? But I’m pretty sure Pastor wouldn’t like that, nor my Mum, nor anyone else in this town. Yeah, it’s a bad idea. Fuck it, I’m so bored.
I wonder what’s this? It says here, “Lose weight in two weeks!” Isn’t it freaky how Facebook always knows which ads to send you? I swear I didn’t search for “how to lose weight” but here it is. I’m almost certain that they listen to you talk and they track you. Well it doesn’t matter, I’m not that interesting anyway. The problem with all this lose weight stuff is that they want you to pay like a hundred bucks for some little video. I am always broke so why would I pay money when I can probably join the gym for much less. Well, not today I can’t. I am still on zero.
Let’s check out Tammy. She’s so unbelievably hot. Although it’s a bit psychotic that she has hundreds of pictures of herself online in so many different sexy poses. But then again, it looks like that is normal. I never bother with social media much because I usually spend most of my time playing games. I also can’t exactly masturbate to porn because I can’t imagine fucking a girl who is being fucked by like two guys at the same time. It actually doesn’t work for me.
I know what I’ll do. I’ll work out my plan to infiltrate the neighbors so I can find out what their evil plan is. I know that I will have to act friendly and pretend I have no problems with Muslamics. That’s gonna be hard, I’m not used to pretending. We’ll see how it goes. Then once I am close to them and I figure out their evil plan, I’ll report it to the police and save America. I’ll be a hero, just like my Dad and just maybe all the chicks would want to fuck me at that point. I let that stew in my head for a bit and found myself satisfied. That is exactly what I’ll do. I am not gonna allow these A rabs to take over our beautiful free country and introduce Shariah here to force us all to worship the Cube block in Mecca. It’s much easier to be a Christian and worship no one. We actually get our meat off the shelf at the store, we aren’t barbaric enough to kill it ourselves. Yes, I will defend civilization and then I’ll get laid, finally.
Ok, just like in Fortnite, I need a strategy to execute my plan. I need to be charming and likable. I can’t be a fat slob and rescue America. It won’t work. I also need to upgrade my intel so I can know exactly who I’m dealing with. I’m gonna attack this on two fronts: I’m gonna start working out to lose weight, and I’m gonna find intel. When I have those two things I’m gonna take the Muslamic people down. I stood in front of my Dad’s picture on my wall and saluted him. I am ready to serve my country in the all American way. I am ready to make America great again and I’ll start now.
Right, googling “exercise for losing weight.” Wow, there’s so much on this topic. It says here 40% of the civilized world, Americans, are overweight. Great, so I’m not alone. Fuck yeah. It doesn’t help to live in a town where everyone is part of the army and super fit. I genuinely didn’t know that I’m almost part of the majority. This is gonna be great. Two hours later, and I have my plan ready. Believe it or not, all I have to do to begin with is walk everyday for about 30 minutes. I love simplicity. Oh, and I gotta stop eating junk food, which is my case are all the chocolate bars and crisps I keep in my room. That’s gotta go. Here’s to overcoming the terrorists and making America great again. Fatima and Mona, I’m coming for you!