How do I know when my husband or wife is cheating?

This is a question as a relationship coach I get often. As a polygynous man, I personally experienced women cheating mainly because those women didn’t understand polygyny. They felt, that since I had multiple wives, they can have multiple husbands but of course hid the fact that they were pursuing their options. In an ideal world, every woman would be able to have her own husband and not have to share him. However, the world isn’t ideal, and without polygyny a lot of women will simply never get married. As a man, who has also pursued other additional women in marriage, there could be a time within that pursuit where you could say I was ‘cheating.’ Although in my particular case, since that behavior is to be expected from me by my wives, there is literally never a need for me to hide the fact- as men in fake monogamy do. 

In my experience, both as the man “cheating” (if I were monogamous) and having been “cheated” on by women who tried to take revenge on my polygyny after having married me but not really accepting it, I can speak for both scenarios. I know exactly what type of behavior both men and women engage in when they are interested in other people so I will detail it here.

Firstly, men in monogamy cheat often. This is just a fact. Very few men who are currently happily married to their wives stayed sexually loyal to those women. Also, most women, if they must be perfectly honest with themselves, knew when their husband’s were cheating but chose to ignore it. However, for those few women who actually didn’t know I will give you some clues.

No Sex

The most obvious sign that a man is cheating on you is when he stops sleeping with you for more than a month. The truth is, even if your husband finds you relatively unattractive because you annoy him, his libido will not allow him to remain without sex for that long. He might not prefer to sleep with you but since there is no one else to sleep with (on account of his sexual loyalty to you), he’ll sleep with you anyway just because he needs to have sex. Sure, this is definitely not the ideal way to enjoy marital relations but there are times that relationships experience problems. Usually men lose sexual interest in their wives because those wives emasculate them frequently, insult them in public and undermine them when they attempt to take the lead. A man doesn’t want to sleep with a dominant woman, he wants to be dominant. If he isn’t sleeping with you, it’s usually because he found someone else to sleep with who is better than you.

A significant reduction in time spent with you

A man might cheat and there’s nothing unattractive about you sexually. In other words, he’ll be sleeping with several other women and you won’t experience any downtime in bed. Simply, he has a bigger appetite than you can fulfill and he wants to diversify because it’s in his nature to do so. However, sex with women requires some emotional investment in them. Women don’t typically just have sex with a man unless there is an emotional connection. In order to build those emotional connections men will need to spend time with those women. When you notice that your husband isn’t spending as much time with you as he would normally in such a way that it isn’t possible to account for, he is probably spending time with other women trying to build up those emotional connections so that he can sleep with them when he feels like it. 

Close female friends

A man very seldom prefers to have friendships with women unless he finds himself attracted to them. There is always a low key sexual undertone between any man and woman who enjoy emotional intimacy. Friendship with a woman is often the woman’s way of enjoying emotional intimacy with men without ever having to commit to anyone. Since emotional intimacy for a woman is like sex for a man, given enough of it such a woman will allow herself to be slept with by the man who makes her feel good emotionally. In other words, your husband’s female friends would actually sleep with him if that was what he required. The only reason they aren’t, IF they aren’t, is because he hasn’t asked for it. Do you want to hang your marriage on the thread of chance? If you aren’t interested in him having multiple wives, then there’s no reason for him to have female friends. Every female friend is a potential lover. 

Fault Finding

If your husband always found faults with you from the start then it’s probably true that those are your faults. You know what your faults are and what he dislikes in you if you have been married for any number of years. However, if suddenly your husband finds new faults in you, and complains about things he never ever complained about in the past, it’s because he likely has another woman he is now comparing you with. All along the sex was good, but suddenly it isn’t. All along, your jokes were funny, your smile was cute, your flaws were perfections, but now they are just flaws. That’s because he is momentarily obsessing about someone else. Men have moments of straying throughout their marriages, and you will know when those moments occur as well as when they end. You’ll find at the end of his affair, he will suddenly act deeply appreciative of you, praise you for things that he always thought were normal, and recognize your great merits that were once invisible to him. That’s because his side chick was shit, and gave him hell, and he now knows what peace of mind looks like. 

Divorce

A weak man will be pressured by his mistress to leave his wife. A strong man knows the difference between a mistress and a wife so he would never do that. Your husband may suddenly say he wants to divorce you. You would have not done anything particularly wrong or different to warrant that sudden declaration. He is playing to someone else’s tune and that other woman is threatening to leave him if he doesn’t leave you. Of course, if he actually divorces you he would have made a big mistake. He pandered to his mistress and boosted her ego to the extent that he will always be her slave. He’ll very soon realize that giving in to a woman who facilitated the break-up of his marriage was like selling his soul to the devil. He is going to want you back. It will be up to you if you accept him. BUT, you definitely can’t accept him while he is with the woman who usurped your rights. It would have been totally different if he didn’t divorce you and kept her in her place and had you both. What you can’t do is become the wife again while she is also his wife because she was supposed to have done that to begin with. 

Can you stay with a man who cheated? 

If your husband, while he had other women, remained dutiful and loyal to you then you can actually stay married to him. The fact is, a man cheats on his wife when he neglects her and doesn’t fulfill her rights. He doesn’t actually “cheat” by having other women. Having other women is feared and problematic because the woman thinks that the man will leave her in the process or reduce her rights in the marriage. Women who know that their husbands are loyal to them, actually don’t care that much if their men have other women. They know the man is strong and he won’t be swayed by anyone to neglect his family. Since his women know that, they also know that the other woman who might want to usurp their rights will likely leave by herself when she realizes that his loyalty to his family and wives are unshakable. If that describes your husband, then leaving him because he strayed would be foolish. On the other hand, if your husband didn’t have a love affair with another woman, but he is in the habit of sleeping around then you MUST leave him. There is a big difference between a serious long-term relationship with another woman that carries some level of respect and meaning, and a man simply using a woman for sex. You can’t trust a man who has no integrity. 

A Cheating Wife

Women are far better at hiding things than men are. A lot of men cheat and get caught. A lot of women cheat and never get caught. That’s because men are not used to paying attention to detail. Women on the other hand are generally very detailed orientated. She will comb through a man’s clothes, smell it, and even find a strand of hair to match it with hers. A man is basically unconscious when it comes to details. He sees that his wife is at home when he gets there and he assumes that everything is fine. He will never suspect her of cheating, but that doesn’t mean that wives don’t cheat. What are the signs of a cheating wife?

Narcissism 

A narcissistic wife is likely to cheat on her husband because she has an insatiable need to be admired. As a woman who craves unlimited validation, the best people to offer that validation are other men. It’s easy for a woman to get male attention through the agency of her sex appeal, and she’ll have no problem using that to make herself feel better about herself. Narcissistic woman have a massive inferiority complex and are in constant need of external validation so that they can feel better about themselves. Hence, she’ll do what it takes to get that validation, which means she’s pretty much an affair waiting to happen. A man with the right skill set will sleep with her. Needless to say, emotional validation from other men even without sex is cheating already. 

Hot and cold

If your wife is loving and very much into you sometimes and other times she’s stone cold and pretty much ignores your existence it’s likely because she is trying to balance herself between two men. Unlike men, who find it relatively easy to balance themselves between multiple women because the are naturally designed to compartmentalize relationships, women cannot express intimate emotions for two men at the same time without doing a swopping act. In other words, while she is warm with you, she’s being cold towards the other man who will be upset with her during that time. Later, when she repairs her relationship with the other man, she’ll be distant with you while she experiences emotional intimacy with him. Don’t be surprised if she intermittently asks for a divorce and then retracts it again. What’s actually happening is that she’s busy negotiating between two relationships, you and another guy, and that’s why nothing in her behavior will make sense to you. One day she’ll be very loving, the next day she’ll blow up all of a sudden and you just won’t understand why. Her confusion stems from the fact that she’s exploring her options.

Threats of Infidelity 

A cheating wife will actually tell you that she’s going to cheat. Yes, you heard me right. She might actually tell you that she will sleep with other men. That means that she will. A woman who cared about her marriage will not threaten you with infidelity because she would be afraid that such threats will jeopodize the relationship. If she is threatening you with that it’s because she wants you to leave her so she can feel better about her having strayed from the marriage. If you leave her, then its you that did something wrong, not her. As a man, you should know that if your wife threatens that she’ll sleep with other men, the marriage is over.  These are not words that can ever be taken back because once she sowed the seeds of suspicion in your mind, you’ll never find peace again.

Marketing Herself 

If your wife has provocative pictures online and men messaging her constantly about how sexy she is, she’s marketing herself. In other words, she’s telling the world she’s single even though she’s married. She is cheating on you by inviting the sexual attention of other men. This in effect means, she doesn’t respect the marriage or you. Unless she takes down all her pictures, and stops talking to random men who are messaging her constantly, the marriage is over. In fact, it might even be too late. Once you found out that that’s what she’s doing she already decided that she wasn’t going to be loyal to you. 

Male Friends

There should be no reason for a woman who is with a man that is intimate with her and invested in her to have male friends. If she has male friends she is keeping her options open. The male friends stem from her insecurity and fear of being alone. She believes that you will leave her at some point and she doesn’t want to experience down time or lack of male attention ever. So she’ll keep her male friends around and give them just enough attention for them to keep marginally present in her life so she can escalate the amount of attention she can get from anyone of them should you be absent in her life at any given time. In other words, your wife is constantly cheating on you. As soon as you are too busy working, or doing something that does not directly involve her, she’ll be talking to her male bestie, confiding in him, discussing her emotions with him, telling him that she misses him and that she loves him so so much, and that she can’t wait to see him. The minute you object to her clearly inappropriate relationship with him she’ll say, “I know him for a long time, and he is my friend.” That means, she lacks appropriate boundaries and won’t ever know how to be loyal to you. 

No Sex

If your wife routinely refuses to have sex with you it could be because she can’t get herself to sleep with you just after she has slept with her boyfriend. Alternately, she hasn’t yet started sleeping with her boyfriend but she has been exploring her sexual feelings for him through intimate conversations and now finds it difficult to sleep with you. Women are by nature monogamous and they can’t really manage more than one sexual relationship at a time so they juggle between the two by constantly breaking up with their husband and making up with their boyfriend. Then they break up with the boyfriend and make up with the husband. That’s how they manage multiple relationships. If this describes your wife, there is a good chance she’s cheating on you. You’ll know she’s sleeping with someone else when her sexual habits change drastically because in the heat of the moment a woman can’t fake it. If she’s only ever been with you, you’ll know by how she goes about things. If there’s a sudden change, she gained some experience from outside. If it was simply a matter of her trying something new, she’d actually tell you where she saw it or heard about it and that she wanted to try it. She’d also be awkward about it. 

A sudden break-up

If your woman or wife suddenly decides that she wants a separation it’s usually because she is seeing someone else. A woman doesn’t leave a man to be alone. Women hate being alone. She’ll leave her man when she found someone else and then she’ll be callous about the break-up. She’ll say something like, “We’re just not compatible” or “I’m tired of your bullshit.” Women are good at masking the fact that they are busy breaking up with you. She actually started her break-up long ago and is just concluding it on the day when she does it because she thinks that she consolidated her relationship with the other guy she’s been talking to. Nine out of ten times you actually know the guy she’s been talking to because she would have told you about him to make it appear as though everything is above board. Your gut feeling would have already told you that something is off. You actually already know that she’s been cheating, you just kept making excuses for her trying to reassure yourself that she isn’t. However, relationships that start by having affairs, especially for the woman, will never last. The euphoria she feels now with the other guy is going to wear off. She’s going to constantly compare him to you and vey likely will dump him as a result because she didn’t give herself the chance to emotionally disconnect from you fully. She’s going to come back, say that she missed you and hope that you will take her back. That’s why she hasn’t made it clear that she left you for some other guy because her way of operating is never to close the door on any relationship so that she can always revisit it in the event the other relationships fail. She wants every guy she ever slept with to remain her friend. But the truth is, every relationship will fail because every guy will know deep down that she cannot commit to anyone because she wants to be committed to everyone. A cheating wife is essentially broken. It’s not in a woman’s nature to cheat. 

Can you stay with a woman who cheated? 

You cannot stay with a woman who cheated because for her to have done that means she is broken. A woman does not cheat naturally. She cheats because she is deeply disturbed and incapable of being loyal. A man who cheats does so because it’s not within a man’s nature to be with only one woman for his entire life. It’s not a man’s ideal to mate for life with one partner. However, it is a woman’s ideal, and for her to cheat means that her deep rooted sense of dignity is broken. She doesn’t value herself, nor does she respect herself and so she’ll never respect the boundaries of any relationship. She will continuously cheat and she won’t be able to help it because she is incapable of being loyal. Remember sex in reality begets a type of ownership of her sexuality. Once you’ve slept with her, she would (if she were in touch with her primordial nature) belong to you exclusively. That means it would be very difficult if not near impossible for her to sleep with another man. However, if she doesn’t view sex in this way, and it does not have that effect on her then she’s a promiscuous woman who long ago broke her internal mechanism of loyalty to the man whose semen she carries inside of her. That’s because she became emotionally confused due to carrying more than one man’s semen inside of her within the same time period. That led her to have divided loyalties and made it now impossible for her to understand what loyalty means to begin with.