Reason # 8
Polygyny Encourages Marriage
Have you ever talked to men and asked them why they’re not married yet when they’re nearing their thirties? Do you think most men would say it’s because they can’t afford it? That’s not normally the case. A lot of men, especially in our Western world, say that they’re not ready commitment. Or they say that they just haven’t found that one woman worth committing to. Perhaps they just do not possess the vocabulary to express their real grievance. It’s not that they aren’t prepared to have a girlfriend. They very often do. It’s not even that they aren’t prepared to have sex with just one woman for a few years. What scares them is that they must remain with said women for eternity- and that seems like a very long time. What if they meet someone else? What if there is someone better? What if they just want to have sex with other women? Marriage isn’t easy to get out of. In fact, very often, long after the divorce the man is still liable for the marriage he once had decades ago! Why make a deal that doesn’t seem to tie in with his nature? The problem isn’t marriage, it’s being married to only one woman! It’s not having the possibility of another woman in the future that scares men from marrying to begin with. Of course, it doesn’t mean that the man will marry another wife later on, but he just wants to know that he has options. If he knew that marriage wasn’t meant to be a prison, he would be less hesitant to do so.
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Let’s continue with our hypothetical narrative above. The guy is now thirty-five having an affair with his mistress who works with him on cars during the weekend at the workshop. Of course, she know that he’s married. She even knows his wife. Frankly, she likes his wife, and his wife likes her. Things carry on that way for a few years but then the mistress decides that she wants more from the relationship. What about having kids one day? What about settling down? In order to have those things she either has to dump her lover and find a single guy, or have her lover divorce his wife. He finally confronts him with her demands, “It’s either I leave, or you leave your wife.” What do you think he will choose? It really is anyone’s guess. A lot of men choose their wives because they built their lives around marriage and family. Some men choose the mistress because the life they built has emasculated them. The mistress at least respects the man’s needs for another woman, and she has played that role all along. It is exactly because of these types of scenarios men choose not to commit, because commitment means monogamy and monogamy is like living between rock and hard place for a lot of men. Most men will never admit it because they are afraid of women. But every man who is honest will tell you that he would’ve liked another woman if that were an option.
If the guy chooses his wife, and dumps the mistress, he will no longer find as much joy in his marriage and might go straight back to how it was before she came along. If he dumps his wife, he risks harming his children and alienating his family. He is now in the middle of having to make a decision that would adversely affect people, no matter what he decides. Finally he decides to dump his mistress, his marriage starts to go downhill as he develops resentment for wife, and eventually it comes to light that he had an affair. His wife divorces him anyway, and he ends up alone paying 50% of his income to his wife while he lives in his workshop where he now fixes cars full-time. His ex-mistress shows up one day six months pregnant. Enforced monogamy destroyed his life. It also destroyed the lives of two women, both of whom are not happy without him, but one of whom wasn’t happy to share him either. What kind of advice do you think he’ll give younger men? Well, to start he’ll be saying to men, “Don’t get married.”
In an alternative reality, the same man, if his name was Abdullah, would have two wives. Yes, he’s life would be very tough having to balance between two families but they’d still be with him. He’d have a wife at home and a wife at work, and he’d not stand a chance to stray in any direction. He’d also have the experience two different types of women, who in the course of his life fulfills his needs at various levels. A man’s life goes through stages just like a woman’s life. By the time his second wife decides to stay home and have kids, the first wife is done with that. It would now be her turn to spend a lot more time with her husband. This is why it makes sense for men who can afford it, to marry women along the way during the course of their lives. In the earlier stages, monogamy would do. By the early thirties, two wives would make sense. By the early forties, three, and by the fifties, four. Each wife would fulfill a different purpose by also benefit relative to the stages of life they are in, respectively. When Abdullah sees the woman he marries first as his first wife, he would choose her to be the best first wife. He wouldn’t expect miracles from her because he can potentially have other wives when he develops other expectations. The woman doesn’t have to be a unicorn. She only needs to be a woman.
To conclude, men view marriage with a lot of suspicion because it really doesn’t suit their needs to be bound to one woman for life. Granted, many men are bound to one woman for life, and wouldn’t want it any other way. However, it is not evident at the beginning of a relationship or when embarking on marriage that that will definitively be the case in future. Therefore, to keep the door to polygyny open is optimal for men because it reduces marriage hesitancy and also female complacency within marriage. When a woman is promised monogamy she has very little to work for. She doesn’t have to try to keep her husband’s interest. In fact, many women simply couldn’t care less about their husbands’ interests once they are occupied with their children. When polygyny is on the table men would more readily get married, and women would more likely keep their husband’s happy to try and offset polygyny- which isn’t a bad thing. Also, should the man married another wife the society will deem it as acceptable, which in turn helps women cope better with the practice.
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