Reason # 9
Polygyny Builds Resilience
A tough life teaches a person to be tough. The natural thing for people to do is to run away from difficulties. We tend to believe the more comfortable we can make life, the better. Whereas, in reality, difficulties build resilience. Nothing worthwhile doing is easy. When you watch a boxer deliver that knockout punch, you are seeing the accumulated effects of his many years of blood, sweat and tears, to turn himself into the fighter you see on your screen. When you saw Usain Bolt sprint, what you didn’t see is the years of practice to get to that point. Similarly when you see a happy family, a husband and his wives, what you don’t see is the years of tribulations they endured to get there. Sometimes those tribulations were by choice, and other times they were unexpected.
As a man in polygyny myself, if it were that I just wanted to have sex with multiple women, marrying them would certainly not have been worth my while. Polygyny isn’t easy. It’s not about following your desires. Polygyny is about discipline and emotional stability. It’s about being able to reach within the depth of your soul and find peace because you won’t find it on the outside. It’s about contending with multiple families, sometimes multiple homes, and the jealousy of multiple women. Polygyny is not a piece of cake. It’s a life-long classroom where you can’t take a day off. It’s a lifestyle that can turn you into the very best of people or the very worst.
Let’s look at resilience from the perspective of women in polygyny. Imagine your husband has another wife. You know that when he is with her, he sleeps with her. How would that make you feel? Well, it is not a very comforting thought, right? But then you take that discomfort and to place it in its proper place. You put it in the box of emotions that you shouldn’t allow to rule over your actions. You learn to compartmentalize. When your husband isn’t with you, what he does is his business. You become hyper focused soon on your business and as a result you become very successful at doing what you do. Why? Well, because you relinquished the need to control another adult person. You have resigned yourself to trusting your husband and that his decisions- even in polygyny- is in your best interest. You start to feel more in control of your life and you find that actually now in polygyny you’ve grown as a human being. You’ve developed the ability to be civil towards people you may not even like. You’ve let your ego take a dive in the interest of staying married to your husband. That’s not an easy prospect, but it is a spiritually uplifting one.
Women in polygyny are forced to live nearer to God. They are being challenged almost every day with their submission to God. They are in a constant battle between their lower selves- jealousy and selfishness- and obeying God’s commandments- to remain loyal in marriage despite polygyny. In order to accomplish this women often take to fasting and praying more. They take to immersing themselves in religion and scripture. They start soup kitchens and charity events. They learn to live a full and complete life without placing their husbands at the center. That may sound like a bad thing, but it’s not. It’s a type of liberation that only spiritual elevation can bring. It’s where a woman arrives at her higher self- the self that is connected to God intimately. She arrives at a point in her marriage where she loves her husband but she doesn’t need him. That makes for a much healthier relationship.
On the physical level, women in polygyny are often more independent. They don’t have a husband around all the time to do things for them. Rather, they have to do things for themselves. This is not a handicap, rather it is empowering. It’s the type of life where a woman has her own life and has a husband. It’s very different from the type of life where marriage is her entire life. Polygyny is not a codependency; it’s an interdependency. Each member is high capable of being alone, and hence together they are so much stronger and better, rather than the situation where people cannot survive without each other. Yes, the latter might sound romantic, but in realit,y it is toxic. Polygyny teaches women to have self-mastery and to be really independent. It teaches women to honestly not NEED men, but to appreciate them for their strengths and even for their weaknesses. It’s arriving at a place where a woman says, “I don’t need this man, but I love to have him around.”
When we look at polygyny from the perspective of men then we’ll see it’s not a walk in the park. We often assume that men in polygyny are hyper-indulged. They get to have sex on demand with multiple women. We think it’s a line-up in a haram where every night he gets to retire with his preferences in women. It’s very far from that. It’s about being responsible, capable and fair. A man in polygyny can’t indulge his whims because he has to fulfill the rights of his wives. If that means he needs a schedule and has to divide his nights between several women, then it doesn’t matter who he feels like spending the night with, or if he wants to stay longer with one wife and not see the other right away. A schedule is a schedule. Not following is often more trouble than it’s worth it. Try to picture it in your head. If Monday night belongs to a particular wife, but you stayed longer with Tuesday night and she became Wednesday night. So Wednesday night becomes Thursday and Thursday becomes Friday, and the weekend becomes Monday, and now the entire schedule is messed up and a few women who expected you on the night you normally come are now unhappy. Now every wife wants an extra night because Tuesday got an extra night. Women can be very petty even in polygyny. Can you imagine the level of discipline you need to be fair in a situation like that?
There’s also the discipline you need to maintain in looking after your health. You can’t be a man with multiple wives and lack the fitness to sleep with all of them. You also need to remain a cut above the rest of men for as long as possible. We are a gorilla-like species. You get to have lots of women because you’re the silverback. The longer you stay in that position, the likelier it is that your wives will feel contented with you. The minute you show weakness, they will think of leaving. It really is that simple. The difference is that men can stay at their peak more less until they die, even if not physically. Good mental health and your mental capabilities make up for what you may lake physically as you age. Yes, we do age mentally also with time. However, the signs that we age physically are far more pronounced. If as an older man you can outclass younger men intellectually and in business, you’re still higher value and it is a quality that reaffirms your position to your wives. They reassure themselves through your abilities that they’re with the very best of men.
The spiritual battles for men within polygyny are not unlike what women go through. As a man of abundance you’ll have charisma and charm. You’ll draw women to you like a piece of meat exposed in the sun draws flies. You’ll have your cohort of wives, but there’ll be no shortage of other women tempting you. Women go where women are. Your spiritual battle to remain faithful and chaste doesn’t end because you’ve become polygynous, it is only just beginning. Once a man of plenty, you’ll discover that there are plenty more, but you have to limit yourself. You can’t marry everyone. You most certainly won’t be able to marry all the women who want to marry you, but you will be able to sleep with them. The problem is that promiscuity defeats the objectives of polygyny. Polygyny is supposed to be safe. It’s not supposed to be a free for all. Your wives are with you because they committed. They’re not with you because they wanted to try out sex with you. A lot of the women who will try to tempt you actually want to satisfy their curiosity. They’re asking themselves, “What’s so special about him?”
In short, polygyny means working hard to overcome your own weaknesses, laziness, and jealousy in favor of the team. There is nothing that speaks of altruism, and selflessness greater than a family arrangement where rivalry is tempered by love, by collective preservation and unity. Polygyny is truly the mainstay of faith, abstinence, strength of character, and peak resilience. If you thought you’d enter polygyny because it might be fun, think again. Rather, it is signing up for excellence or massive failure.