Reason # 7
Polygyny Solves Sexual Incompatibility Problems
Let’s walk through a scenario. You’re in grade 12, and you’ve been with your high school sweetheart for 3 years. Before you go to college, you and your parents decide that it’s best to get married. You’re both 18 years old, and everything is fantastic for the first seven years. You’re both at college, and you graduate together four years later. Your wife falls pregnant at 23, and by 25, she’s preoccupied with the kid. You’re working your ten hours a day trying to pay the mortgage on your new house, and the monthly installments on your car. Your wife wishes that she could work but it’s cheaper to keep her at home than to pay for a daycare. In all the chaos and stress, you and your wife no longer have sex. When you’re both free, all you want to do is sleep. You’re both at your sexual peak, but only one of you will likely be sexually frustrated.
Time marches on, and things start to balance out for you. You get a promotion, and now you have some savings and a disposable. You’re 35 and your oldest son is 13. You go to gym and you pursue your hobby of fixing cars. Your wife is also 35, she looks after the kids, and has a rose garden she looks after. She is even less interested in you now, and you’re lucky if you have sex once a month. One day, while rebuilding a car with your buddies, a hot 20-year-old walks in. She wants you to modify her car. She has the same hobby you have, and she starts chatting with you about engines and turbos. She makes you feel alive again. She starts hanging out with you in the workshop. One thing leads to another. Before you know it, you’re sleeping with her. You are now in the middle of a mess. You’ve cheated on your wife, but despite that it feels right. In fact, you probably wouldn’t have it any other way.
Something starts to happen at home. Suddenly, your wife approaches you too. She starts to find you sexy again. She wants to sleep with you again. She starts regularly engaging in seduction tactics. There’s a shift in energy. Your marriage starts to feel right again. What changed? If you must be honest with yourself, you, along with millions of other men, experienced something similar. You could obviously not call in polygyny because you cheated on your wife, but it effectively has the same effect when it comes to sex. What is that effect? I call it the celibate effect.
Celibacy, begets celibacy. It makes men unattractive. It even makes a man unattractive to his wife. A sexually active man is attractive to other women. It’s deeply rooted within our instinctual selves. A big part of being human is animalistic. We clothe a lot of what we instinctively feel in intelligent jargon so we can delude ourselves into believing that our sexuality is a lot more sophisticated than apes, but the truth is that it’s not. Also, sex with another woman can jump-start the man into taking an interest in his wife again. He is reminded of his primordial sexual self and he is able to live within his instincts yet again- after years of celibacy. I would hazard an educated guess that there are a lot more celibate wives in monogamy than there are in polygyny.
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On the flip side, the reverse is often not true when it comes to women. If a woman were to sleep with another man outside of her marriage she would hesitate to sleep with her husband. The other man puts her off from wanting to sleep with her husband because she isn’t designed to be polyandrous. In societies where women are polyandrous it is on account of social conditioning for some women to take one for the tribe. It is better to have all men taken care of than some men left out when there is a surplus of men. However, it is not a woman’s ideal to have two or more husbands. If you ask any man what it would be like to be in a room full of beautiful women that he could do whatever he wanted to with, he’d probably desire to sleep with them all, and in reality he would sleep with them all given the chance. If you flip the scenario and put a women in a room full of attractive men, she would probably be scared. She wouldn’t think that she just landed in heaven. It’s not her idea of paradise because it’s just not how she’s wired.
A man’s abstinence and celibacy isn’t of equal value to a female’s abstinence and celibacy. In fact, it is often of opposite value. There are countless men who marry virgins after having been slept with hundreds of women. There are not that many men who are virgins that marry virgins. A man’s worth is based on his proven abilities and track record. A woman wants external validation for what her man is capable of, for it to be believable. A woman wants a man who other women want. Whereas a man doesn’t want external validation with regards to his woman. He wants a woman that he knows he likes, but that no other men want. That’s why large parts of the world tend to hide their women away. They do not want the eyes of other men to fall on the women that they see.
A man becomes attractive again to his wife when other women want him. A woman becomes attractive again to her husband when he has other women (because it awakens in him strong desire). It also makes the husband more attractive to his wife when his animal instincts are reactivated. What about age compatibility issues? Are men and women equally desirous of sex to begin with across the age spectrum? The following table will demonstrate that men’s libido is on average higher to female’s libido from the time they hit puberty all the way through to sixty:
| Age Category | Male Libido | Female Libido | Key Differences/Notes |
| 16-20 | Very high; peaks due to surge in testosterone around puberty, leading to frequent sexual thoughts and arousal. | Moderate; slower increase during adolescence, often lower due to factors like hormonal birth control or body image concerns. | Males exhibit significantly stronger drive; females may become choosier about partners as fertility begins to influence desire toward the end of this period. |
| 21-30 | High; remains strong but may start a very gradual decline in late 20s from early testosterone reduction. | Moderate to high; increases steadily, potentially linked to maturing reproductive cycles and fewer inhibitions. | Males still higher overall, but female desire rises, narrowing the gap; males more focused on frequency, females on quality or fantasies. |
| 31-40 | Moderate-high; gradual decline accelerates with testosterone dropping ~1% per year from age 35, impacted by stress and life commitments. | High; often peaks here due to biological clock, with more frequent fantasies and sexual activity than in younger or older ages. | Gap smallest; females may report comparable or higher fantasy intensity, while males experience steadier but declining drive; reproductive effort boosts female libido. |
| 41-50 | Moderate; continued testosterone decline affects arousal speed and frequency, though many remain active. | Moderate-high to moderate; post-peak decline begins, influenced by perimenopause and estrogen/testosterone drops, but often still robust. | Males higher on average, but individual health plays a bigger role; females may face more variability from hormonal shifts like vaginal dryness. |
| 51-60 | Moderate-low; further decline with age-related erectile changes and health factors, but desire persists in 40-50% at high levels for some. | Low to moderate; sharper decline post-menopause due to lower estrogen, leading to reduced arousal and potential pain during sex. | Males often retain higher drive and activity levels; females experience more pronounced drops, widening the gap again. |
What we can observe is that men and women are in effect not likely sexually compatible one to one, except when they’re both in their 30’s, and that too for a few short years. Men practice monogamy if they can’t find another woman to mate with (which is most men) or in following his wife’s mating imperative rather than his own, and not because it’s his natural inclination to only have sex with one woman for life. Any man given the opportunity to mate with several women is incentivized to do so biologically. The very few monogamous unions that are successful is where the guy has a younger wife. It becomes biological possible for a man to mate with a younger wife for life, but rarely with a wife who is his own age. Despite that, roughly 1 in every 5 men cheat on their wives, and 1 in every 8 women cheat on their husbands.
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To conclude this section I argue that instead of covert relationships with various people and the pretense of monogamy, let’s embrace polygyny as a fact of life. If what you want is another woman, then marry another wife. If as a woman you don’t want to sleep with your husband as often as he’d like, introduce another woman who will. It may be that you and your wife are no longer that compatible sexually, and that you need another woman who is. It may even fix your sexual relationship with your first wife.