From the book, “How to Choose and Keep a Wife: A Marriage Guide” by Coach De Bruyns
First off, we won’t know how to choose a wife if we don’t know what a wife is. Many of us in the
modern West have lost touch with what it means to have a wife because women in the West are not
raised to be wives to begin with, except for a few. A wife is like a doctor. A doctor looks after patients,
a wife looks after her husband and her children. Being a wife is a job function. It’s not a luxury or a
privilege, it’s a responsibility. When a woman is prepared to undertake the responsibility to look after
a man for the rest of his life giving herself to him forever, she becomes a wife.
A wife is a helpmate and partner of her husband. That means that she joins him with the intention of
helping him fulfill his goals and making those goals her own. In turn, because those goals typically have
financial or societal incentives, the man dedicates his resources to serve the needs of his family. In this
way, one hand washes the other. A wife works tirelessly to serve the common purpose of the marriage
under the leadership of her husband. She is not an independent entity, living her independent life
alongside a man who is living his independent life while financially maintaining her. The independent
woman narrative is one of the main reasons why modern marriages almost always end in divorce.
There is no standard narrative that dictates to a man what his wife should and shouldn’t do in definitive
terms. That is why every religion tends to prescribe simply that a wife obeys her husband. A wife, in
essence, is the making of what her husband wants. She molds her life to his. That is why women are in
general more impressionable than men. They are designed to fit in, to get along and to go along. In the
past, before global media, the narrative for women was set by society, the Church, the husband, and
other women. In a sense, women are the custodians of culture and culture informs what behavior is
acceptable or unacceptable. Hence, in many societies up to today there is still slut shaming of women
by other women. This is not out of malicious intent, rather it is an instinct to preserve a social order that
was found to be beneficial for the establishment of stable families.
When it comes to an actual framework for what a wife is, Christianity, Islam and even to some extent
Hinduism and traditional Buddhism all espouse very similar ideas. We must ask ourselves why we are
trying so hard to reinvent the wheel on gender roles when thousands of years of history has taught us
that a natural framework emerges out of nature, culture, history, and religion. This framework can be
described through the human need to pair bond, have children and to connect fathers to their own
children so that there is sufficient parental investment from two parents.
A WIFE AS A PARTNER
Your wife must first be your partner before anything else. She is a person whose company you enjoy,
who you talk to, who you confide in and who you feel believes your interests, goals and ambitions are
important and worthwhile. For this reason, most romantic relationships start out as friendships and
simultaneously why when there is a romantic relationship having friendships with the opposite sex can
translate into cheating on your spouse. Friendship is the door to marriage in many respects in the modern
world and the boundary where friendship ends, and a romantic relationship begins is unclear and frankly
unknown. What we do know is that a woman you can rely on, trust, and who supports you in your goals
would make a good wife.
A wife is not an equal partner. She is a subordinate partner. That means that while you are partners in
life, in that you live your lives together, she must obey you. There is good reason for why a wife is not
an equal partnership. This is not unlike business partnerships where someone owns the majority of the
equity in the company, or where one party has veto power. Simply put, there is greater investment in
marriage by men than by women. Men own the greater share of equity in marriage and if they did not
then they wouldn’t get married to begin with. It is the default nature of men to look after and sacrifice
their lives for their families. It isn’t only the default nature of men; it is also the default expectation of
women that men will protect them against the violence of other men. Since men are expected to look
after women and use their superior strength and abilities in service of their women, it right that women
obey the men under whose care they live. Hence, you cannot have a wife as an equal partner because
she isn’t charged with the same level of responsibility. A wife as an equal partner isn’t going to accept
blame when things go wrong. Women are notoriously allergic to accepting any sort of blame. In fact,
women will even blame you for believing what they said when they were emotional.
Men who believe in egalitarianism make the mistake to treat women as if they are men. They often end
up separated and walk away saying they can’t understand what went wrong. “I gave her everything.”
Women say they want men who take what they say seriously but are unable to respect men who look
to them for leadership or who treat them as equal. Women want men who they can look up to and whom
they deem are their superiors. A wife is a partner who supports your vision and goals. She takes you as
her leader and is willing to submit to your authority as the head of your home and family.
To illustrate the importance of the presence of a man in a woman’s life I will tell you a story. There was
once a man who had several daughters. His wife had died several years earlier, and he was left with the
job of raising his daughters alone. When his daughters were young adults, he decided to work away
from home for a few months to save up more money. During that time, one of his daughters fell pregnant
and another got married without his permission. When that man became old and was no longer working,
his presence in the house kept away predatory men who were only interested in using his daughters.
The presence of a man in a woman’s life is a protection for her. Don’t underestimate your value in your
wife’s life. Your presence keeps her safe. Also, remember that the presence of your wife also keeps you
safe. Men aren’t the only ones who are predators of the opposite gender. You get predator women as
well.
Another illustration that demonstrates why men make the greater investment in a marriage is the fact
that many women leave their husbands, claiming most of their wealth, and then go on to marry another
man. For a woman to marry a man, that man must have worked on himself and his capabilities for many
years. He started providing for that woman many years before she set eyes on him. His investment
started the day he decided to make something of himself and continues until the day he dies. Your wealth that you will spend on a wife isn’t just money. That money represents the years of effort you put
into developing yourself, your abilities, and your career. When a woman becomes entitled to that wealth,
she is effectively claiming those life years from you that you lived long before she came into your life,
and she is saying that she wants the rest of your life years to be dedicated to her. That is why it is only
fair that she be your partner and helper, and not just a taker.
What is a Wife?
How to Choose and Keep a Wife is a much needed and in demand marriage guide for men in a time when marriages are just not working. This book doesn’t aim to fix the problems of women, or the problems with society. Rather, this book gives men a step by step guide on how to properly vet a woman for marriage. It also gives men clear guidance on how to manage being married and staying married. While some might see this book as idealistic, there is something in it for everyone. It tackles the issues of marriage both from an idealistic and pragmatic approach. On the one hand, the author sets forth an ideal but also acknowledges the real likelihood that the ideal will not be accomplished and gives practical advice on how to manoeuvre in less idealistic circumstances. Even though the target audience for this book is single men or men who are married and are having a hard time, it would prove useful for women who are looking at being good wives.
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